Lana Del Rey
“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”
In the aftermath of a rough breakup this past December, I became very attached to the music, monologues, and multimedia masterpieces of singer Lana del Rey. A young woman who has made a mystery into a career.
There is little we know about her, a few rumors (are her plump lips fake or are they real) and some theories (do you think her ex-lover passed away tragically) but the singer has hardly shared any of the intimate details from her personal life to the public.
Instead, she has chosen to create a public image of herself by unveiling the "war in her mind" capturing into ghostly mesmerizing lyrics sentiments of joy, sadness, bliss, and fear that are felt as we ride through the beautiful chaos of life.
She confesses the raw beauty and struggle that rattle her mind without ever proving any clear detail or backstory, creating the magic that is Lana del Rey. Her mysterious public image radiates into confidence and a sense that through it all she is able to accept herself.
I immediately fell under the Lana spell my sophomore year of college, when my friend Dylan Goodale sent me the link to her first major music video Born to Die. Enchanted with everything about her I listened to her first album on repeat for months on end.
Later that year I fell in love, and as I lost myself in a haze of fantasy her music was now given a new meaning. With phrases like "you fit me better than my favorite sweater" because "now my life is sweet like cinnamon" rightfully expressed those warm unclear sentiments we feel when we fall in love.
As my relationship unravelled differently than I imagined, I let myself tolerate the many warning signs that arose in front of me because I refused to let go of the happy fantasy that I had created in my mind. A hope that everything was actually okay. For a while I stopped listening to Lana's music, I couldn't listen to jt because didn't want to acknowledge a deep sadness that was forming inside.
In December, I finally took the first step, and allowed myself to fully detach from this toxic situation. One afternoon while walking home from class, Born to Die came on shuffle on my iPhone. It was a warm sunny day and although I already knew the lyrics by heart, the song stopped me in the street.
"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why, and you and I we were born to die".
It was liberating to finally hear the emptiness I felt, feeling I couldn't quite understand, nor wanted to deal with (yet alone relay to others), manifest as a crystal clear lyrical confession.
I had never felt this deep a connection to music before, it was as if her lyrics were mine, her sighs and hidden pain all paralleled what I was going through and by listening to her albums I could start to rebalance my mind.
Now it is April, and as I continue to release myself from the mental destruction of this breakup I been moving forward and riding through life. Last weekend, I finally saw her perform live at coachella, and I felt alive.
It wasn't until love evaporated into nothingness that I finally appreciated and understood the message of Lana del Rey, and I thank her for that.
bisou bisou, Catherine
bisou bisou, Catherine